Waking up to the truth of your nature as Life itself is nothing less than total devastation, that once begun, snowballs into an never-ending mysterious transformation. Everything you have believed about yourself and about your life is thrown into disarray. Structures that were previously believed to be solid, are seen to be illusory. Wherever you have believed you could stand safely is seen to be just a temporary experience, that can never be permanently grasped. All the passing personal identities that play out are seen to be only masks that Life itself likes to play with, but none of them are ever your true face. It is like sand slipping through your fingers. You can never find what you were looking for. Nothing can ever be grasped or held on to. It is an endless losing what you think you know, like a wave of destruction that leaves nothing but what is true.
The person that previously lived a life with a history and a future, is no more. No part of that person can be relied on to be reality. The memories and feelings are there, but the thought story that connects all the dots in time, is no longer believed to be true. The old reliable story of ‘me’ is seen for what it is, and there is no new story to replace it. Time is seen to be a belief, and all there is, is this present experience, which is already gone. There is nothing, and nothing to hold onto. It can feel very lost, and very alone. No one can be relied on to save you anymore. All hope is lost of ever finding something or someone to grasp hold of to provide some sanity in this insanity. There is a free-fall in not finding, and not understanding. Thought might want to cling onto a story of how depressing this is for ‘me’, but soon this is seen through as well. It is not anything that thought can put a label on. Every experience comes and goes and is all felt intensely, but none of it means anything about ‘me’.
The body trembles with the fear of the unknown. It had become accustomed to living in a contracted spasm and does not remember how not to. Now the contraction is no longer believed to be the ‘norm’, and is realised to have been intensely painful to live with all that time. As less attention is given to thought, more attention is given to this body, and how in all it’s innocence it is an animal with animal survival responses. Over the years, the body had simply responded to the limiting beliefs about ‘me’. Now that these beliefs are being seen through, all that is left are the physical sensations. There is more and more sensitivity to how life energy is being physically suppressed ‘in here’, in the attempt to survive and be someone. The all-encompassing power of Life that is who you really are, can be resisted, or relaxed into when thought is not believed in. There is more and more a sense of losing ‘myself’. Fear can be here, and in fact is no longer the enemy. It is lived with moment to moment, as a close friend. The boundaries that were previously believed to protect, are no longer relied upon, so there is an open vulnerability that includes what was believed to be ‘outside’ or ‘inside’. You walk around naked without even your skin to protect you. The apparently ‘outside’ environment or ‘other’ people, are felt in you. This can seem incredibly uncomfortable and overwhelming at times, and other times so heartbreakingly beautiful that tears overflow.
And in the midst of it all, thought cries out ‘so how can I live now?’. Life is so mysterious and chaotic, that you no longer know how to navigate in it all. But the answer does not come in thought. Thought is no longer believed to be reliable in any answer it offers anyway. Thought is no longer in charge of the game. It sits at the feet of the real master, patiently (or not so patiently) waiting to see what will unfold. Thought offers it’s services when necessary, but Life itself lives itself, as it has always, even when it was believed that this person was real. You don’t know how to live or function now. Things can get messy. Your worst fears could come true. It is so risky and out of control. But you put one foot in front of the other, and then next thing happens. More and more you start to trust that Life itself takes care of it all, whether or not it fits your ideas of how it should look like or should feel. Thought can relax it’s stressful effort to try do it all.
This is not a new thought attitude of trusting in Life, but the real trust and free-fall in not having anything left to trust in. When you admit that really you don’t know how to live this human life, then the burden of covering it all up and pretending you know or need to know, doesn’t need to be carried anymore. This is very liberating in itself. Thought no longer needs to play the role of being in control of it all. It is freed up to be used as a tool, to offer logical, rational suggestions, or to remember or imagine. But is no longer believed to actually be the master of this Life. Thought is finally allowed to be the servant that is it’s nature to be. It is this liberation of thought that brings great relief, lightness and freedom. But no longer believing that thought has all the answers, is also a total devastation that leaves no position to stand in. Without relying on thought to run the show, there is only the wide open space that is filled with whatever is here now. This is the endless transformation that can never fit into your ideas of how that should be. Devastation is only negative or depressing when thought is still believed to mean something about ‘me’. Otherwise it is seen to be nothing less than a mysterious gift. Nothing is excluded, whether it is considered to be ‘good’ or ‘bad’, ‘dark’ or ‘light’. It is all included in this open free-fall. There is no rule book or model to follow. You step into the unknown, moment to moment, and feel it all as it is.